Little Victories and Black Eyes

There are little things I do all the time that I would've been too hesitant to do before losing weight.  Sometimes I realize while I'm deciding to do something I haven't done in a while.  Sometimes it's a happy surprise right while I'm in the midst of it.  And other times, I don't realize until afterwards.  Whichever it is, it's always satisfying.  Pushing yourself is rewarding.  You simply must try it.  

"Like what?" you might ask...

Well, Sunday afternoon it was playing on the playset in my parents' back yard like I was five years old again with my five year old cousin.  Up, down, all around.  In the fort, out of the fort.  On the swing, off the swing.  

And...  I got to introduce my little cousin to swinging upside-down.  That adorable little goober will never look at a swing set the same way again.  

I would have been way too timid to do it before.  But now?  What-ev.  It’s not that I was too scared to be upside-down, I just felt less in-control of my body and what might happen.  There was a whole lot of me to handle!  I have so much less self doubt, and so more much physical freedom.  

My little cousin and I ended up swinging, feet up in the air, so that each time we'd swing back, we were facing each other.  So, I said, "Helloooooo, sir!"  And then it went a bit like this...

Me: "Helloooooo, sirrr!"

...swing...

Him: "Hellooo!"

...swing...

Me:  "Mighty fine day we're having, yes?"

...swing...

Him:  "Yes! Are you having a good day?"

...swing..."

Me:  "Yes, indeeeed!"

...swing...

Him:  "Me, tooo!"

...swing...

Me:  "Perfect day for swinging upside-down don't you think?"

...swing...

Him:  "Yes!  Helloooooooo!"

It.  Was.  GREAT!!!  Oh, man, do I ever love kids.  And upside down silliness.  

In all my grand, childish bliss, I did manage to forget how all the blood rushing to my face for - ehhhh, quite a while, could result in blackish eyes and a handful of small blood vessels breaking in my face.  Oh well - well-earned battle scars from my latest little victory!

And her heart grew three sizes that night…

Me, pre-weighing-myself last Christmas,
with my own grinchin' reindeer-pup.

The more weight I lose, the more I learn about myself.  As it turns out, it may not always be something I want to learn about myself.  I have been trying to write about this all week, but I’m not very good at talking about matters of the heart.  Lately, there’s been a steady increase in the frequency of me feeling like I’m wearing a poorly made Santa costume with a little reindeer-pup looking on as my heart slowly expands. 

I have no problem with getting a little weepy every time I watch Sleepless in Seattle, after those darn Folgers commercials, or from a song that blindsides me…  I’ve heard Debussy’s Claire De Lune at least a hundred times, but it just came on and still managed to choke me up.

But the real things – the big things – they’re mine, all mine.  I’ve kept them all to myself in a somewhat precarious, secret tree fort surrounded by a surprisingly reliable wall made of flubber. 

I don’t like to be weak.  I don’t like to be vulnerable.  I do not like it when my heart is affected by things I cannot control.  I’m beginning to realize that my fat has proven to be a rather effective fortress.  This flubber fortress works similarly to the “premature failure” that I’ve mentioned before, but guards the things that could get hurt if I don’t prematurely fail effectively enough. 

It seems like the more I shrink, the more of me there is.  There’s less to hide behind.  Before long, I won’t have the fat to blame or hide behind anymore, and there will just be Sarah.  I have inadvertently suffocated parts of myself for far too long, and through some crack in this ridiculous wall I’ve put up, they’ve gotten just enough air to try to break out.  My heart is softening.   It’s wonderful, but it’s also scary.  Fixing my exterior really is just bringing to light the interior problems at the root of it all. 

I stopped by my parents earlier in the week, and my Grandma had sent me a note saying how she is proud of me and my progress.  My dad and I talked for a moment afterwards, and he said how scary it is for a parent worrying they might outlive their child, both figuratively and literally, and that my whole being really had changed.

He’s right.  My whole being is changing, and I’m experiencing some growing pains, but it’s worth it.  

30 by 30 - Quick Update

In case you haven't read, I set myself a new goal of losing 30 pounds by the time I turn 30 on December 19th.

I really hate it every time I type the words "...I turn 30..."  Bleh.

I really don't hate that I lost 2.6 pounds this week and I have 23.7 pounds more to go before I hit my 30 pound goal.  That means I've got to lose two pounds a week to hit this goal.  And it also means I have to do it the week of Thanksgiving.  

I think I can, I think I can...

Actually, I know I can.  And I'm looking forward to the satisfaction of knowing that I enjoyed myself over the holidays this year without going overboard.  

I'm not really sure how to close this one out seeing as it's just a quick here's-what's-up post, sooo...  Have a good day, or listen to this song because it's making me really happy today, or something.  There you go.

Zucchini Bread, and Doughnuts, and Piggies - oh my.

So, there are just some things that scream "fall."  Trips to orchards, corn mazes, pumpkins, squash, cider mills, Mom's baking...

We're getting closer and closer to the times of year that are by far the easiest to justify guilty pleasures.  While I am not going to deprive myself completely of these yummy things, I am going to challenge myself to say no.  Just because it's there, doesn't mean I'm obligated to imbibe.  It just so happens that while cleaning today, my butternut squash reminded me of how far I've come.

On that note, this week, I did partake in a few things...  But, don't worry - all things in moderation, friends.  I had some of my mom's Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread, a few beers out with my roommate, some movie popcorn, and...   Ohhhh, only one of the greatest things you can get in southwest Michigan after September: pumpkin doughnuts from Gull Meadow Farms.  I'm not an avid doughnut fan, but those are just magical.


While I was a good girl other than that this week, I still know what eating those foods does to me.  I learned a lot about myself and how food affects me this summer.  The week of the 4th of July, I didn't eat as healthy as usual, but I did stay within my daily goals.  With exercising every day, I just managed to maintain my weight.

So, again - moderation.

Apparently, though, I lack emotional moderation while holding little, adorable, pet piggies named Penelope.  Thanks to the roomie for catching me during a few (not so) rare moments of ridiculousness.

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Sweaty Beats II

Caity and I are back this month with a bunch of amazableness to treat your ears while inflicting some pain on your fluff.  I'm pretty sure both of our lists will make you go "RARRRR!" at some point.  I just did it while posting this.  And I'm at work.

I think Caity might win this time because she picked Benny Goodman.  How can you go wrong with classic swing?!  Mine's pretty awesome, though...  Actually, both lists are pretty darn awesome.  Aaaanyway...

Here are our top 10 picks to work out to for the month!  Be sure to mention your favorites down below!

Sarah's top picks...  Listen here!
Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now
Death In Vegas - Hands Around My Throat
De La Soul - Three Is The Magic Number
Ratatat - Seventeen Years
Foster The People - Helena Beat
Ladytron - White Elephants
St. Vincent - Northern Lights
Interpol - PDA
The Jam - Start!
Devo - Uncontrollable Urge
The Damned - New Rose

Yes, that's 11, but I couldn't decide which one to let go of and it's my blog, so...  Go right ahead and picture me sticking my tongue out at you, because that's what I'm doing in my mind.


Caity's top picks...  Listen here!
Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
The White Stripes - My Doorbell
The Proclaimers - 500 miles
Devo - Girl U Want
The Misunderstood - Children of The Sun
Led Zeppelin - When The Levee Breaks
Blondie - One Way or Another
The Kinks - You Really Got Me
Benny Goodman - Sing Sing Sing (With A Swing)
Razorlight - In The Morning


Enjoy!

30 by 30

Today is precisely three months before the most daunting birthday of my lifetime so far.  While I am often happily mistaken for being 24-25 years old, and although I still seem to think I am and function thusly, I am not.  I am 29, and I am exactly three months from turning the dreaded, big THREE-OH. 

Oh, oh, no…

I absolutely cannot believe that I, Sarah Bauman, am merely months away from being an age that begins with a three. Other than somehow reverting to toddler-dom...  

But, y’know what? 

The only photo I can find of me DJing.  He  said, "It's cooler not to
smile," which made me smile. Not everyone's as cool as you, Graham...

I am starting to understand why so many people say your 30’s are so much better than your 20’s.  When I look back with my rosey-fuzzy-wuzzy-yay-I’m-young goggles on, I see how my early 20’s started off with a bang.  I was living in England, going to school, DJing, working with my awesome friends at a  great music venue, living life with a kind of starry-eyed zeal that, I suppose, should be expected of a young 20-something living out her dream abroad.  I often look back on it so fondly that I forget about the depression that set in during my 2^nd year there. 

There was a tragedy that took my roommate at the time back to the US for quite a while.  For some reason, being home alone so much seemed to fuel my downward mental spiral, despite my best efforts to stay insanely busy and happily distracted.  Parts of my life were outstanding, but others began crumbling.  In my dense haze of depression, I made some mistakes.  There were things out of my control that landed me back in the USA, and my mistakes made that possible.

And that's when things really got bad.

If I take off those rosey-fuzzy-wuzzy-yay-I'm-young goggles and look back at 24, I see a sad, miserable, stagnant person who was deeply discouraged about losing her dream and ending up back in a place she had no desire to be, doing things she had no desire to do, allowing herself to be consumed by her unhealthy, destructive mind.  My confidence had been annihilated.  I was defined by my failure and did not believe I would ever be capable of not-failing.   

And what of this Sarah who is drawing ever nearer the infamous three-oh? 

I battle daily with this little demon called “premature failure.”  I keep myself from doing things by rationalizing the impossibility of my success, so that I don’t have to deal with inevitable failure.  You can see the Catch 22 in this, I’m sure…  The exciting part is, I know this now, and I’m working on it.  This blog is evidence of me making conscious decisions to do something, despite my own self doubt. 

I really am a late bloomer who is coming into her own as a nearly-thirty-something.  So why not have a super sweet goal to make turning 30 even better?

Last Monday, I decided to set myself a goal of losing 30 pounds by the time I turn 30, which is exactly three months from today.  So, let's make it official.  It’s 10 pounds a month, which will be a challenge, but I know I’m up for it. 

Huzzah! 

I’m a little grossed out that this post reads a bit too much like a diary, but I’ve got to tell you – I find myself oozing joy from writing this.  It’s exciting when the future is more exciting than daunting.  It’s about 53% exciting and 47% daunting, but exciting’s still on the winning end.

Wish me luck, and I’ll keep you all updated on my progress.

Little Victories

I now understand why laptops got their name.  You can use them on... your... lap.  Remarkable!  

Whatever, No-hands Smug-face...
I can do it now, too.

After my weekly workout date with my dear friend, Lindsey, I wanted to look something up, so I grabbed my laptop, set it on my lap, and googled, or imdb-ed, or whatever-ed away.  I remember being elated a few months ago after realizing I could finally use my laptop on my lap.  When I mentioned this to her, she said, "Hmm, I never would've though of that..."  If you find yourself puzzled by this also, well, let me explain it simply for you: my tummy wanted my lap all to itself and wouldn't allow me to use laptops in their intended state.  I'd either use it at a table, or with some creative rigging to use it in the general lap-type area.  Come to think of it, there are a lot of creative/rigging type things I've done in the past due to my body interfering...

But now?  Ha!  Laptop!

I bet this means the next time I fly I won't have to try and make it appear as though the tray in front of me is comfortably in its resting position when it is, in fact, actually balancing on my belly...

I can not wait until I finally get to test that one out.